i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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