weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
