i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize