Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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