So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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