Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I want to fling myself into the sun
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
