Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
