I skipped work to stalk him.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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