You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
