Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
