the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
40s are totally the cure
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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