So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
