im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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