the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
