apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
