You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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