mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
