The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
