my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
