The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
These tits shall not be calmed
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
