The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
