I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
