Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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