Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
