you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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