her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
