Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
