I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
