I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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