I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize