goodnight i made you a song goodbye
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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