so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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