3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
