You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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