WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
