Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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