We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
