an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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