i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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