Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize