Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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