I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
