i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I am midnight drunk by noon
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
