this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just pee around me
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
