Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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