4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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