Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize