Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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