I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
