I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
