fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
