dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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