I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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