last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
