So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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