apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
