I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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