a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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