Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize