how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
