dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
