At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
