I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
