I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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