the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you win again, gameday.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
mondays should just be called national damage control day
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
