So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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