she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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