We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
