The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
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