I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
