But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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